Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
