guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
