OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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