i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize