I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
