i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
