At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
