i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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