I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
