The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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