Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I did not marry a roomba.
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