Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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