I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
