I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
