apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
