At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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