Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
