Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
