i don't like sucking hair
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
