wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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