I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
