you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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