Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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