I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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