I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
they need to just BURY HIM!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
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there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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