A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
