When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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