They should really pass out barf bags in church
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head