Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him