I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
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You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.