hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains