true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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