i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
