it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
