My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
