she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need a beard to bite.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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