we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You need a sexual gate keeper
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
