it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
