I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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