the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
