Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
