My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just had sex on a roof
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
