I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
