I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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