I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
