She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
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