her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
