My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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