he thought i was a dude.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
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I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
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I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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