I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
