I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
