...so i touched it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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