im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
