she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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