What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
