This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I looked at my own cervix.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
