So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
