He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
